Joho the Blog: If I were president...

October 06, 2006

If I were president...

My platform:

Let's lower our national expectations to something a little more reasonable.

Declare victory in Phase One of the war on terrorism (Operation Big Wounded Bear Swinging Its Arms) and begin Phase Two (Operation Being Smart About It).

End the current superstitious rituals at airport security that any fifteen year old could figure out how to get around. Instead, require every passenger to rub a lucky rabbit foot.

Pass SHANANA: Stop the Hilarious Absurdity: No Acronyms Naming Anything act.

Resuscitate humility.

Stop asking G-d to bless us after every speech. He doesn't like needy people.

Put the "pro-life" back into "nuclear non-proliferation" by unilaterally scrapping all of our nuclear weapons.

New high priority task for the Army Corps of Engineers: Build drive-in movies. Everyone loves drive-ins.

New policy about gays in the military: "Don't Ask, Don't Care. Be Fabulous."

Start a distributed Peace Corps. Step two: Figure out what that means.

All test drives of SUVs must contain a segment in which they drive under water. (Playing the taped message from Al Gore is optional.)

Tough new copyright law provides works with a full fifteen years of protection...one more than our Founding Parental Units intended.

Printed newspapers by law will have to backdate themselves one day.

Increase national curiosity.

Government offices will use open source software unless they're being punished.

I'm tired of tough justice. Let's get some tender-hearted judges on the bench.

Since we're not trying to turn out standard kids, why do we educate them to pass standardized tests? New option: To get a high school diploma, either pass a standardized test or be a wiseass in public.

I'd be wrong in public. A lot. I'm good at that!

Any senior government official who does not blog has "[bureaucrat]" appended to her title.

Marijuana would be as legal as alcohol, but only until you're 35. Frankly, after that it's time to grow up.

Lawrence Lessig gets to work out with Susan Crawford which one heads the FCC and which goes on the Supreme Court.

Secretary of the Internet becomes the first wiki-based cabinet post.

Dick Cheney goes to jail, even if we have to plant something on him.

I will never ever clear brush on vacation. That is my solemn pledge to you, my fellow Americans.

[Tags: politics humor]

Posted by D. Weinberger at October 6, 2006 10:54 AM

Comments

I'd vote for you!

Posted by: Bill Hooker | October 6, 2006 12:31 PM

On the subject of a compromise copyright, I knocked up something along those lines a few months ago.

I've just posted it on my blog:
http://www.digitalproductions.co.uk/index.php?id=43

I think it's still just as much an anachronism as even a copyright term of ten days, let alone your proposal of 15 years, but 'divide and conquer' as they say...

Posted by: Crosbie Fitch | October 6, 2006 01:58 PM

-----------------------------
Welcome to the Diebold
Votemaster(tm) 2008

[X] David Weinberger

------------------------------

.
.
.
Please wait
.
.
.

-----------------------------
Welcome to the Diebold
Votemaster(tm) 2008

[X] Dick Cheney

Thank you. Your vote has
been recorded.

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Posted by: christopher carfi | October 6, 2006 03:04 PM

hey! wait a minute!!! wtf!!!!

Posted by: christopher carfi | October 6, 2006 03:05 PM

I dare ya to run.

Posted by: Dave Lemen | October 6, 2006 05:13 PM

Ok, I'm running.

Now what?

Posted by: David Weinberger | October 6, 2006 05:25 PM

David,

David Weinberger "The Geek's Pat Paulsen"

"If elected, I will refuse to serve."

From http://www.paulsen.com/
------------------------------------------------
A recent study has revealed incredible coincidences linking Pat Paulsen to Abraham Lincoln...

* The names Paulsen and Lincoln both contain 7 letters.

* Lincoln was killed in Ford's Theatre.
Pat once owned a Ford (Maverick).
=== Can you change your name to "Iberger" or "Weinger"?

* Lincoln's secretary warned him not to go to the theatre.
Paulsen's manager warned him to stay away from all theatres.
=== Sorry, but theatres need to go!

* Lincoln was slain in the presence of his wife.
Paulsen's wife nearly killed him one night (in their Lincoln).
=== Are you married? Don't consider it.

* John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln at the theatre and hid in a warehouse.
Paulsen once lived in a warehouse.
=== Have you visited any warehouses?

* John Wilkes Booth has 15 letters in his name.
Patrick L. Paulsen has 15 letters in his name.
=== "David Weinberger" is a winner too!

COINCIDENCE?
MAYBE.
=== No. It's crafted.

DESTINY?
PERHAPS.
=== Is blogging a menifest instance of destiny or just a free floating manifest?

YOU DECIDE.
=== No. Let the geeks decide. Weinberger all the way!

----------------------------------------------
Seriously, you must be incredibly narcisisstic to even consider the incredible torture required to run even as a gag. But when your done... and you win... you can torture others. Without impunity or with punity if history dictates... You could also dictate.

Posted by: McD | October 6, 2006 07:45 PM

I ll vote you

at one of those site that collect preferences from
the rest of the planet,

and by the way thank you, I am 32

Posted by: gianluca b | October 7, 2006 12:24 AM

I'll vote for you! Can we have Andy Carvin for Secretary of Education? :-)

Posted by: Tim | October 7, 2006 01:16 PM

but what about the children!!??

Posted by: David Parmet | October 8, 2006 09:39 AM

Good grief. The only candidacy worth supporting, and WHERE ARE THE BUMPERSTICKERS?

Posted by: quixote | October 8, 2006 04:28 PM