Joho the Blog
An Entry from the Archives

Say you're a middle-aged man who's just a little concerned that his heart is going to seize while he's out on a run. Or that the bear that's been clawing through garbage pails at night is going to wake up and decide to have a morning snack of Very Slow Runner. Or that you'll accidentally step on the beloved Agamemnon of warrior ants and they will come tearing after you armed with tiny tridents and head-mounted lasers. It could happen, and if it did, you'd want help pronto!

You don't want to carry your cellphone with you because, well, think of the amount of energy it'd take to throw your phone the length of the distance you run. Why, your little arms would be all worn out. No, what you'd like is an eensy-weensy, low-featured, clip-on phone, preferably shaped like the always-stylish lima bean.

Introducing the OOMPH — Out Only Micro PHone.

The OOMPH is the size and shape of a lima bean. It has no screen, no dial pad, and just two buttons: On/Off and 911. Press the On button and it calls a service center that charges you a buck or two to call whatever number you tell them to. (It's got a tiny speaker. Maybe you stick the whole thing in your ear canal when you make a call. I haven't thought this through yet.) Press the 911 button and it lets you gasp your final words to an emergency operator who is thinking about his next coffee break.

The OOMPH2 lets you record a voice message that gets played when you press the 911 button. You can even update it with oral notes such as "Just passed the TastiCreme on Ave. C. Mmmm. TastiCreme."

The OOMPH3 does GPS so the EMTs know where to come to collect the body.

The OOMPH4 is the size of an iPod Nano and plays MP3s. In fact, let's say the OOMPH4 is an iPod Nano with an OOMPH3 built into it.

The OOMPH5 has so many features that you have to tow it in a small cart.

OOMPH — The Lima Bean that Could Save Your Life!