Andersen's New Name Sucks
Accenture?? Gimme a friggin' break! Andersen at least had something human about it. Accenture is the sort of hideous neologism that issues from marketing meetings after 1,200 names have been written on big sheets of paper ("Ok, now, people, I want you all to come up with five names that have something to do with your favorite flavor.") Let's listen as the "team" of 6 executives and marketing folks end a busy day of brainstorming names:
Barry: I gotta say No to "Conclux." The "Clucks" bothers me. But I sorta like "Rivenation" because it's got sort of a driven feel to it and implies we're an entire nation. But if I had to choose right now, I'd go with "Andersen Consulting and First National Rhythm Company." It's just so upbeat and unexpected...
Louisa: You're kidding aren't you?
Facilitator: Now, now, Louisa. Remember: No bazookas.
Louisa: Sorry. But that motherfucker needs 5 pounds of gelgenite stuffed up its bubblegum ass.
Facilitator: Louisa! Let's play nice! Be positive. What names do you like?
Louisa: Ok, ok. After having wasted an entire day on this exercise, I'd say the only two that make any sense to me are ones that came up in the first fifteen minutes: "Andersen Solutions" because that's what we do and "Andersen Professionals" because that's what we are.
Joe: Look, Louisa, you know that we're beginning the first page of a new chapter in our history, as we continue to rewrite the rules of the consulting industry.
Louisa: But ...
Joe ... And this new chapter will tell the story of a firm that grows to become one of the world's leading companies, bringing innovations that improve the way the world works and lives.
Louisa: But ...
Joe: And you understand the real power of the new organization is the synergy between Accenture's traditional consulting and outsourcing business-with its channel strength, relationships and proven solutions-and the firm's venture capital business, operating companies and alliances-with their emphasis on new technologies and business models.
Joe: Now hold on a moment, Louisa. We've all agreed that Accenture is all about exceeding expectations as we provide market-ready solutions that will take companies to a successful future. So now we just have to find a name that captures that vision. To me that narrows our list down to one: Accenture. [Outbreak of murmurs of "Yes." "It's perfect!," "It's so exciting," and "It's the one I liked from the beginning."]
Louisa: And our new tag line can be: Accenture: Our name means shit.
Joe: Change "shit" to "quality" and you're really onto something, Louisa!
Barry: You know what sorta works for me? "The Accenture Rhythm Company" ...
Note: All phrases that sound like 100% corporate bullshit are taken from the words put into Joe Forehand's mouth in an Accenture press release.
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