Update on the Hunt for Cheney

Al Qaeda spokesman Muhammed Qadir today said at a press conference that the hunt for American terrorist mastermind Dick Cheney is making “slow but steady progress.” Vowed Qadir, “Whatever suburban hellhole Cheney is hiding in, we will find him and smoke him out.”

Cheney is thought to have retreated deep into one of the hundreds of small towns within 100 miles of Washington, DC, with communication equipment and enough food and water to keep him and his entourage alive for an indefinite period. He was last heard from in taped comments a week ago in which he urged his countryman to “Fight the aggressor to the death in every corner of the world if necessary, including southwest Newport News, right across from Carl’s Sports ‘n’ Stuff store.” Al Qaeda believes that the remarks contained a coded message their cryptographers have deciphered as: “Send fabric softener; my shorts itch.”

“We are pursuing every possible lead,” said Qadir, refusing to reply to rumors that have placed Cheney in a basement rec room in Silver Springs, MD and in a converted garage in Roanoke, VA. Qadir said that the hunt would continue through the unpleasantly moist rainy season. “Make no mistake, Dick Cheney: no bumper pool table is large enough to hide you.”

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