Joho the Blog » New Chuck Norris jokes

New Chuck Norris jokes

Posted on:: May 22nd, 2009

After reading Chuck Norris’ two columns against hate crimes legislation (1 2) —the “Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act…could not only criminalize opinions (an unconstitutional act) but also provide elevated protection to pedophiles” — and Media Matters’ response, I think it’s time for a new round of Chuck Norris jokes:

Chuck Norris can crush facts with his bare opinions.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to leap to conclusions. He just sits there and conclusions leap to him.

Chuck Norris thinks homosexuality is a choice, but his oiled, bare chest isn’t so sure.

You think those jokes are lame? Me too. But that’s why Chuck Norris gave us comment sections…

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38 Responses to “New Chuck Norris jokes”

  1. Tim, on May 22nd, 2009 at 8:07 am Said:

    Interesting that Chuck Norris is currently only relevant as a meme for jokes of varing quality. His distortion of the facts is certainly no more valid than that of anyone else.

  2. James Robertson, on May 22nd, 2009 at 8:34 am Said:

    I’m so happy to see liberals have decided that the longstanding principle of double jeopardy is no longer relevant. Clearly, the country is in the best of hands when we can prosecute until the “right” result comes up…

  3. Raj Tiwari, on May 22nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm Said:

    Haha funny post David. Chuck Norris always provides comic relief. Heres a couple things i bet you did not know. Did you know there is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Oh Chuck Norris haha..

    Btw I just stumbled and submitted your blog to viralogy. Hope it brings you a lot of new readers!

    -Raj

  4. Marc Hussey, on June 24th, 2009 at 2:34 pm Said:

    Funny stuff …

  5. liam, on July 2nd, 2009 at 5:15 am Said:

    Chuck Norris can get an A* on a foundation paper.

  6. Glenn, on July 10th, 2009 at 8:05 am Said:

    Darth Vader actually stole one of Chuck Norrises 6 balls……and renamed it the Death Star

  7. Glenn, on July 10th, 2009 at 8:07 am Said:

    Chuck Norris is the reason the Devil is underground

  8. Glenn, on July 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am Said:

    News Flash! Extinct species found in Chuck’s chin!
    Other News! Cave paintings in Brazil have found that there god had a large chin and was shown roundhouse kicking Antartica south!

  9. Glenn, on July 10th, 2009 at 8:14 am Said:

    Chuck Norris was born before his father. Hope u liked all the comments, all i could think of at the moment.

  10. jp, on July 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am Said:

    chuck norris can bend time with his finger.

  11. william, on July 12th, 2009 at 2:37 am Said:

    the world doesen’t move by gravitation.
    it moves by chuck norris’ morning stroll.

  12. EVAN, on July 24th, 2009 at 8:26 pm Said:

    In 1778, Chuck Norris got mad at the state of jersey for saying his name in vain. He roundhouse kicked it so hard it became New Jersey.

  13. Besim Ismaili, on August 7th, 2009 at 10:30 am Said:

    Chuck Norris can make mummies talk.

  14. Besim Ismaili, on August 7th, 2009 at 10:36 am Said:

    Chuck Norris does not think. He knows everything….

  15. Scott, on September 17th, 2009 at 11:30 am Said:

    The only thing Chuck Norris and Obama agree on is that Kanye West is indeed a jackass.

  16. Kyle, on September 17th, 2009 at 11:35 am Said:

    When God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris said, “Say please.”

  17. Gage, on September 18th, 2009 at 12:40 pm Said:

    When Chuck Norris’ life ends, he didn’t actually die…. he just took Gods’ place

  18. B. Black, on September 19th, 2009 at 8:22 am Said:

    Good ones !! Did you know that Chuck Norris is the only one aloud to rip the tag off of a mattress???? Chuck RULES!!!

  19. B. Black, on September 26th, 2009 at 9:20 am Said:

    Chuck Norris lost his wallet on the set Pulp Fiction. Samual Jackson found it. Bad Motherfucker!!!!!

  20. ward, on November 30th, 2009 at 5:12 am Said:

    There is a santa claus because chuck norris said so!
    I can do all things through chuck norris.
    Life, Liberty, and chuck norris for all.
    Chuck norris killed Abel.
    Chuck norris can buy happiness.
    Chuck norris killed freddy Krueger in his dreams.
    God prays to chuck norris at night before he goes to bed.

  21. ward .R, on November 30th, 2009 at 5:21 am Said:

    Its not an earthquake its just chuck norris having a migraine.

  22. chz, on December 3rd, 2009 at 2:30 am Said:

    what happens in vegas stays in vegas, unless you’re chuck norris and then what happens in vegas is murder.

  23. ME ME ME, on December 14th, 2009 at 12:15 pm Said:

    Did u knw that when chuck norris does a pushup he doesnt push himself up….he just pushes the ground down!

  24. Bears, on December 16th, 2009 at 10:04 am Said:

    If you have 5 pounds and Chuck Norris has 5 pounds, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

  25. chucky, on December 23rd, 2009 at 7:57 pm Said:

    There are many things money can buy, for everything else, there’s chuck norris

  26. hollywo0d, on December 25th, 2009 at 12:11 pm Said:

    Chuck Norris is the reasn why grown men cry.

  27. Ryen, on January 24th, 2010 at 7:47 pm Said:

    chuck norris secretly sleeps with every girl on earth once a month, the bleed for a week as a result..

  28. justin, on February 9th, 2010 at 5:02 pm Said:

    chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hideing.
    god can walk on water chuck norris can swim on land
    there is no theory of evoution just the things chuck norris has allowed to live.
    chuck norris doesnt read he stares at the book untill it becomes a movie.
    chuck norris show is called walker: texas ranger because chuck norris never runs.
    chuck norris is currently sueing myspace for takeing what he calls “everything around you”

    theres a few enjoy

  29. Chuck Norris Fact, on May 21st, 2010 at 8:51 pm Said:

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there

  30. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:28 am Said:

    Chuck Norris had a staring contest with his reflection and after three days it backed off

  31. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:29 am Said:

    Chuck Norris or he’ll chuck you too

  32. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:30 am Said:

    Not by me…..
    Chuck Norris always does things and never even tries that’s why he hates rugby

  33. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:31 am Said:

    not by me….
    Chuck Norris doesnt read a book….. He stares at it until he gets the information he wants

  34. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:33 am Said:

    Chuck Norris jumps into the bath….
    so that the water doesnt run away

  35. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:35 am Said:

    John F Kennedy didnt get assasinated…
    Chuck Norris deflected the bullets with his beard and John F Kennedy’s head blew up in amazement

  36. lolololololols, on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:38 am Said:

    Chuck Norris wears sun glasses to protect the sun from his eyes

  37. Fletcher Rovero, on July 9th, 2012 at 12:58 am Said:

    Undoubtedly a brand new thumbs upward. Best of luck ! Summer Camp

  38. Julieann Mysliwiec, on July 16th, 2012 at 6:26 am Said:

    every time I listened or maybe examine a write-up I came across intriguing factors which helped me to produce. Many thanks!

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