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The CluePlane Manifesto

(An unauthorized, unapproved homage to The Cluetrain Manifesto).
bi-plane

A powerful global reaccommodation has begun. Corporations are rediscovering themselves in their muscular masculinity. For we are the makers, the takers, and above all else, we are the winners. Customers, employees, the needy, the vulnerable are, by definition, the losers. Each one of them would gladly trade their seat for one of the tufted leather chairs in our CEO’s office. Instead, make sure your pathetic seatbacks are returned to their upright position, your trays are stowed, and you’re buckled in. For this is your pilot speaking, and we’re ready to fly the friendly skies of “PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, MOTHERFUCKER!”

  1. Markets are reaccommodations.

  2. There’s the crew and there’s the screwed. Deal with it.

  3. When jack-booted thugs rough up paying passengers and drag them from your plane, it’s time for the CEO to step up and declare that there’s two sides to every story.

  4. There’s no customer need that cannot be met by a bag of off-brand peanuts.

  5. Customers of course have rights. But only once they have lawyers.

  6. Think of it like this: Boarding a airplane is like opening a shrink-wrapped product, an act that involuntarily voids all your rights. Except boarding a plane means also giving up the shreds of human dignity we didn’t already strip from you during the nudie scan, the TSA ritual ball or tit squeeze, the routine totally un-profiled examination of the darker-hued among us, the lack of sufficient seats in the boarding area, the unexplained delays, and the segregation into social strata announced over the PA. Also, I think we may have missed a spot in your rectum.

  7. Costs have gone up while fuel prices and basic services have gone down, yet more and more people are flying. Therefore, passengers must love us more than ever. You can’t argue with math!

  8. Virtually no other industry uses overbooking as a routine best practice because they don’t love their customers are much as we do.

  9. “First they came for my free crappy meal, and I said nothing. Then they came for my carry-ons, and I said nothing. Then they just said ‘Fuck it’ and came for the guy sitting next to me and dragged him off the plane by the ankles. And I said something, and I video-ed it and I posted it.” Sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I’ve got a corporate reputation to maintain.

  10. Every act of corporate brutality can be fixed by combining the power of euphemism with the audacity of neologism, catalyzed by a really expensive blue suit.

  11. It’s great to know that we’re making our employees so proud! Right, gang? Gang?

  12. Hey, it’s us against them, where “them” are the customers, right, gang? Oh, c’mon, gang, quit kidding around!

  13. You know who’s the victim here? The shareholders. How about some sympathy for them, eh?

  14. Y’know, it’d be a lot easier for us to fly empty planes and not have to deal with you all. You’re welcome. Ingrates.

  15. Hey, catch! Here’s your guitar. Sorry-not-sorry for the crushing.

  16. Have a bag of last year’s peanuts, on us.


Notes

1. No official affilliation with Cluetrain.

2. Thanks to Frank Scavo (@fscavo) and Alan Lepofsky (@alanlepo) for the prod and the idea.

3. Also posted at Medium

4. Photo posted to Pixabay by JayClark1. CC0 – Public Domain.

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3 Responses to “The CluePlane Manifesto”

  1. Some argue overbooking leads to lower costs.

    I’m okay with it if they are willing to buy the market price of a seat back from a customer. Hotel plus $400 nor $800 was enough, they should’ve gone higher. They would’ve found takers eventually.

  2. Interesting. But I think I disagree, Joseph. Requiring airlines to just keep upping the offer is highly likely to be lobbied against by the airlines. In fact, aren’t there caps already? That sets up situations like United’s where the airline doesn’t have to go any higher, and they are entitled to bring in the law.

    Besides, it seems not to be keeping prices down. Airline profits have been going up and fares have been going up, but I don’t think over-booking has gone down.[1] It sure seems like the airlines are balancing their profits against their customers’ tolerance for inconvenience.

    [1] Data-free assertions.

  3. We usually take Virgin to San Francisco but they had very few flights for our trip a month ago, so we took United. The flight was overbooked, but it was resolved amicably before boarding.

    After boarding, the flight had THREE separate major mechanical problems one after another-the door would not close, the flaps didn’t work right (they had to reboot the airplane, turning off everything) and then the starter motor blew up requiring us to return to the gate from the taxiway and get off. The flight was delayed about 5 hours. At 3 hours, when it was lunch time, they would not give us food vouchers because that only is allowed with a 4 hour delay. They gave us the $10 voucher then and it did not quite cover a sandwich, but the store took it anyway.

    The rest of the flight was uneventful and we ended up with extra room since many passengers (?the smart ones?) made other arrangements. We were told we can get a certificate for $100 off; I would rather not have to use it. Ugh.


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