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January 23, 2016

Guns, Sarah Palin, and other hilarious stuff

My brother Andy points to a New Yorker humor post by John Quaintance about the original intent of the Second Amendment. It’s simultaneously hilarious and sad.

Then, in the righthand column there’s a link to an Andy Borowitz post with an Onion-esque title that I enjoyed:

Palin Blames Obama for Her Defeat in 2008 Election

And while we’re on the subject of terribly sad mirth, here’s Colbert’s hilarious impersonation of the First Hockey Mom’s rhetorical style / way of thinking:

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December 22, 2015

My Eagle

Aug. 1

What a majestic creature! The wings beating like giant sails!

And not bald. Not even a comb-over, haha. Downy white feathers covering that majestic skull.

The beak does sort of look like a big nose, though.

Aug. 2

Again this morning! I’d say within 15 mins of yesterday’s fly-by. A little higher up and more toward the center of the lake, but still majestic even from further away. I’d probably have to be like a mile away before I mistook it for a pigeon.

Winky barked as it soared past, although Winky barks at anything he finds interesting, and he’s blessed with an all-day curiosity.


Did you know that all clouds look like bones?

Aug. 3

It looked at me! Oh my, let me record the time exactly! It’s now 7:27, so it was probably at 7:24!

Ok, I’ve caught my breath. He flew by just a little past the Jurgenson’s raft, so that’s maybe 50 or 200 feet from me. Flapping those big wings. Looking straight ahead. And then as I leapt up from my chair, he definitely turned his head and looked right at me!

And not a little passing glance. He was studying me, taking my measure, judging my character. And I looked back at him. Resolute but with kindness. I wasn’t going to look away until he did, which took about maybe four seconds, or two to be scientific about it (I just timed four seconds on the ol’ Timex, and they take longer than you’d think). But your life can change in two seconds. How long is the first sight that love can happen in? It can’t be more than a second or two or it would be second sight, or maybe third.

My eagle and I definitely made a connection. Till death do us part! Well, Labor Day.

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December 21, 2015

Pizza Philosophy

Socrates: The Extra Parmesanides

The unexamined pizza is probably still worth eating.

St. Augustine: Deep Dish Confessions

The mind commands the body and is instantly obeyed.

The mind commands itself and meets resistance.

The body commands pizza and it arrives within thirty minutes or it’s free. [“…ut servirem domino deo meo”]

Nietzsche: Thus Spake ‘Za-thruster, the Pizza Delivery Guy

The pizza that does not kill me makes me stronger.

If you gaze into a pizza, the pizza stares back at you. If you’re tripping balls.

Martin Heidegger: Being and Slices

“Dasein’s Being is always Being-toward-Pizza. Pizza stands before us as an ex-static project that discloses that which is Dasein’s ownmost, for no one can eat your pizza for you.”

Bonus for Librarians: Ranganathan’s Five Laws of Pizza Science

  1. Pizzas are for use

  2. For every eater, his pizza

  3. For every pizza, its eater

  4. Our warming oven saves time for the eater

  5. Our pizzas are totally organic

Isaac Asimov: Three Rules of Pizzas

Suggested by Andromeda Yelton (@ThatAndromeda). Thanks!

  1. A pizza may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

  2. A pizza must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

  3. A pizza must do ABSOLUTE NOTHING to protect its own existence as long as such lack of protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

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September 13, 2015

My worst caption so far

Here’s this week’s New Yorker caption contest cartoon:

Cars piled up

My hilarious caption? And I’m only telling you this because obviously there’s no change it’s going to be one of the chosen three:

Hey, could someone tell Google Highways that the buffer is full?

Hey-o!

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September 11, 2015

The absence of pennies breeds pennies

I’ve said it before and it’s still the case: I would pay a penny not to carry a penny.

So why don’t I stop my whining and just get rid of my pennies as they come in?

My answer is: Why the hell would I want to stop whining?

My second answer is: Pennies have the peculiar and perhaps unique property of breeding more of them when your supply of them drops below four.

Go to any real-world commercial space that is not in Canada with no pennies in your pocket, and what happens if the bill is not evenly divisible by five? You exit with pennies miraculously in your pocket.

Go with one penny in your pocket and there’s a 20% chance you’ll leave with at least one and possibly four.[1] The odds when you have more than one penny in your pocket have yet to be calculated, but Leibniz proved that with four pennies in your pocket, there’s no chance that you’ll get more than that in return and there’s even a 10% chance your pocket total will drop to the blessed Zero Pennies state so sought after by followers of the Tao.

But what the Tao forgot was that with no pennies in your pocket, that nothingness stands an 80% chance of producing pennies at your next transaction. So you’re 80% screwed no matter what.

TL;DR: Nature abhors a vacuum of pennies. Why? Because Nature is really annoying.


[1] Here’s my math. If you have a penny in your pocket and the bill is $x.01 or $x.02, you exit with fewer or an equal number of pennies. If the charge is $x.03 or $x.04, you’ll get back more than one penny. There are twenty opportunities in every dollar for an .03 or a .04. So, it’s 20%. Right?.

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September 10, 2015

How to talk like Hannibal

While we’re on the subject, here’s a message from CindyRaymond on the IMDB message board for the Hannibal TV series:

I recently got my boyfriend into the show. We found a standard formula of how to talk like Hannibal.

Make a grandiose statement about something you are doing or something that is brought up in conversation.

“Tell me, Will…”

Dramatic question about how this random thing relates to Will.

For instance, last weekend we went to a potluck and couldn’t stop cracking each other up.

“A potluck is an event in which individuals bring a cherished part of themselves to a communal table. Tell me, Will…what will you bring to the table?”

“A 3-bean salad is a union of parts that are seemingly the same, yet ultimately so different. Tell me, Will…are we the same? Or are we ultimately different?”

Yup.

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August 8, 2015

First Republican Debate: Songified

The Gregory Brothers at it again. Please enjoy not just ridiculousness of what they’re parodying, but the musicality of what they’ve produced and in such short order:

Personally, I want to see the Trump meme “We need brain” not just songified but also zombified: “WE…NEED…BRAIN. WE…NEED…BRAAAAIN.

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July 26, 2015

Angry Birds Pansies

Pansies are supposed to look like thoughtful faces, right? That’s where the word comes from. But something seems to have pissed them off.

Or maybe their DNA somehow got mingled with Ed Asner’s.

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July 10, 2015

A solution to the Greek crisis

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May 28, 2015

I’m a winner! A limerick winner!

After many years of intermittent entries, I have at long last won the monthly mini-Annals of Improbable Research Limerick Competition. Woohoo! Ish.

AIR presents research that one might find celebrated at the Ig Nobels. In fact, AIR is the creator of the Ig Nobels. AIR’s monthly mini version is free and amusing.

The limerick had to be about: “Preoperative and postoperative gait analyses of patients undergoing great toe-to-thumb transfer,” from the Journal of Hand Surgery, vol. 12, no. 1, 1987, pp 66-69. Rich comic material, obviously.

“Your gait will be fine, understand,
If we sew a toe onto your hand.
   If we did the reverse
   It might be much worse,”
Said the doc in remarks made off hand.

This month’s article for your limericking is: “Improving Phrap-Based Assembly of the Rat Using ‘Reliable’ Overlaps.”

I shall see you on the five-line field of battle!

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