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I asked ChatGPT version 3.5:

Write an opening comedy monologue for a late night TV show that discusses the plot of Hamlet as if it were the day’s news.

It responded:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Late Night News Show! I’m your host, and tonight, we’ve got some breaking news from the world of literature, or should I say, “literary drama.” Get ready for the Shakespearean scoop of the century!

Now, imagine this: You wake up, check your Elizabethan-era smartphone (which is just a parchment with quill scribbles), and what do you see? It’s all over the scrolls—Prince Hamlet is back in the headlines!

That’s right, folks, our favorite Danish prince is making waves again. It seems like every other day, he’s caught up in some family drama that makes the Kardashians look like the Brady Bunch. And the kingdom of Denmark? Well, let’s just say it’s not the happiest place on Earth.

The big story today: Hamlet’s dad, the former king, is making a cameo from the afterlife to deliver a ghostly message. Talk about an unexpected guest appearance! Apparently, he’s not too thrilled with the way things are going in the royal family. I mean, can you blame him? There’s been more backstabbing in the castle than at a Game of Thrones family reunion.

Now, Hamlet, our brooding hero, has a tough decision to make. Should he avenge his father’s death, which might involve a little regicide, or should he just write some emo poetry and call it a day? Decisions, decisions!

But that’s not all, folks. We’ve got a real “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern” situation going on. Hamlet’s got these two friends who might not be as friendly as they seem. It’s like a real-life episode of “Who Wants to Betray a Millionaire?” Can he trust them, or are they just playing the courtly version of “Survivor”?

And let’s not forget about Ophelia, Hamlet’s love interest. She’s caught in the middle of this royal mess, and I’m starting to think she might need a spa day and a therapist more than a prince. I mean, drowning herself? That’s a bit much, don’t you think?

In other news, the play’s the thing to catch the conscience of the king. That’s right, Hamlet’s decided to put on a play within a play to expose the truth about his uncle, who’s taken over the throne. It’s like Shakespeare’s version of a hidden camera prank show, but with more soliloquies.

So, there you have it, folks—Hamlet, the ultimate family drama that’s been captivating audiences for centuries. Will Hamlet get his revenge? Will Denmark ever find a stable ruler? Will someone please get Ophelia a life coach? Tune in next time for more Shakespearean shenanigans, right here on the Late Night News Show!

Is it hilarious? Does it all work? Far from it. But is it plausible? I think so. And I actually like the line about Ophelia needing a life coach, and am in a bit of awe about the aptness of its reference to a prank “but with more soliloquies.” 

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